okay well go ahead

no i just tried
but looking at it as manifested in words on the screen in facebook chat, it just doesn’t work

well what’s it about?

why i stopped talking to you
its about your age versus mine. its about my asshole consciousness versus everyone else’s. its about how i judge people for no reason without trying. its something that really bothers me because i’ve actually had periods where i’ve really missed hanging out with you

me too. but i didn’t think you felt that way at all. and it really bothered me because i felt like i was finally starting to get to know you and i really liked you.

yeah and that’s always what turns me off, when i’ve succeeded

yeah, well that turns every guy off

and its funny we’re having this conversation tonight because earlier today we discussed this same problem i have, a philosophy major and i
i think a bit more goes into my personal version of it
but yes, true.

well i didn’t like you THAT much haha

i’m gonna call you

i have to finish a paper first

so you’d prefer i type it?

no i just need to finish my paper first cause its due at 12

as is my bedtime
so go finish it
we’ll talk another time

alright well i’d rather hear tonight but okayyy

then do your paper and i’ll try to type


i have this problem where anyone i want to spend time with can never qualify some standard. it doesn’t matter who, there’s always SOMETHING. and i’ve known this for a long time but it wasn’t until this semester that i’ve acknowledged it. so basically there never exists this perfection i seek even though i know goddamn well that if it exists i will probably never encounter it. so you were no exception; the fact that you were younger didn’t bother me because as i’ve told you, you’re sharp and you’re smart and you’re on top of it (again, maybe its a youngest child thing)… but then the whole passive aggression began and i felt it showed where you were in how you deal with relationship, showed that you didn’t want to encounter what was really there versus what you wanted to encounter: why did it matter that i hung out and got drunk with your roommate? you’d known by that point that i get drunk every night, with everyone–it’s just what i do. it doesn’t mean that it means anything like it does with most people: i hang out with girls never even realizing it’s a date.

so then i was discussing it with my buddy today and we both just concluded, long story short, that i always have to find a problem with someone. because once i find myself ‘in a relationship’ i see all that i’m missing by not being in one, even though in the ‘loaner player stage (as he labels it)’ nothing ever happens, once the relationship begins is when you begin to miss out. and i subconsciously live by that mentality and it fucks me up

and you’d made it clear that you didn’t want to be ” that girl ” and since you’d said that i would never make it a truth…. so whatever factor it was, i couldn’t do it to you by continuing to hang out. be it then the roommate situation and what i found to be your immaturity that i didn’t need around, or just the fact that by hanging out with girls and getting drunk (like w/your roommate) would classify you as “that girl” in your book, i just didn’t want to deal with it
and the night of that barbecue i invited you to, i stopped texting you because i ended up blacking out and finding myself on the streets of downtown at 4 in the morning without half my clothes on (lol)
and if you don’t mind i may want to doctor this up and put it on my blog

okay but i need to say some things but first i have to finish this paper so go blog it and we’ll talk in a bit

i want you to say some things

i will



You should search for someone who meets your needs, and your version of “perfect.” but thats the thing, this person will probably end up being far from perfect and possibly far from what you thought your idea of perfect was. Falling in love (in one case) isn’t about that, because when you have such strong feelings for another person, you grow to love those imperfections. and if you can’t, then it usually means they aren’t the right person for you. I just don’t want you to go through life analyzing every person you meet to the point that you don’t like them anymore, because everyone has problems and imperfections, and you have to learn to accept that in order to make yourself happy.
And to be honest I’m really only a year younger than you. Yeah, you are a senior in college and you’ve experienced a lot, but the truth is I have too, just in different ways. Someone once told me that everyone has a story to tell, even if they don’t say anything. I’m sorry if you thought I was acting immature about the situation, but I think any girl would have been confused and you have to understand from everything I heard, it didn’t sound good. I probably should have just talked to you, but because we were just dating I don’t think I felt comfortable enough to do that. i didn’t want to come off too dramatic, that’s why i tried to tell you that way. plus i knew you hated passive aggressive people and i was pissed so i wanted to piss you off (which was immature). but we all have our moments.

Also, I was worried about being that girl because I don’t like hooking up with people just to hook up with them. I was fine with just dating, I just didn’t want to have sex with you, because i’m quite traditional and think it’s really special.
But, I totally get feeling like you’re missing out when you’re in a relationship, because you do. but that’s when you have to decide if it’s worth it, and when it’s the right person, i don’t think the things you’re missing out on will seem as important. we’re young, and you don’t have to be in a relationship right now, you should just have fun. hey that’s what you helped me realize! but don’t shut people out too quickly. you don’t want to miss out on that aspect of life.

i really don’t know what you want to say with all that

you mean what i want you to say?

but well put
its just well put how you’ve explained it
very very well
again, how i think versus end result is never a productive battle, and i agree with you

there’s really nothing left to discuss, i’m glad you understand things better than i’d assumed

more than glad, ecstatic, given how i’ve felt about it.. trying to ignore it

well that’s good. you are so complicated college_boy.

yes i know. i’m not really too happy about that but it is what it is

well at least you’re interesting

and honestly college_babe, there’s not much for me to say at this point. i’d like to hang out with you, but we’re not friends. i want to cuddle with you, i want to kiss you. i want to right now, after what you just said.
but i dont think u want that
and i dont want u to have to deal with that.
so i can do little else than just keep on saying hi how are you? on campus when i see you

i don’t really know what i want. i told you, you’re kind is so confusing. i don’t think i’d be willing to just jump right into that. maybe you can take me to coffee.

and clearly i don’t know what i want either. understanding that is the first step to understanding ‘my kind,’ though i do feel it’s impossible. i’ll take you out for coffee, because i’d like to hang out with you and discuss this sort of thing, but i can tell you i’m not sure it’ll mean anything more than coffee by that point
or earl gray, as i’ve been getting into it lately

that’ fine. i can’t tell you it will be either. but we can hang out and see

if you want to hang out we will
im just warning you it may be pretty direct. when you are you here during break?

you’re always direct. i’m going home friday. i’ll probably come up sometimes.

dare i leave it on you to tell me when you’re up here?

yeah i’ll let you know

i’ll be here all of it but a few days
god forbid i go home
but i have to get to bed
i’m glad we chatted

okay yeah me too, goodnight

good night college_babe

you work tomorrow?

2 Responses to “Fiction.”

  1. 1 college_babe December 22, 2009 at 8:29 am

    ever since i met you my idea of love has been twisted, turned, bent-distorted in ways I can’t explain. stop thinking! 🙂

  2. 2 college_babe December 22, 2009 at 8:30 am

    that smiley face is really creepy.

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Another twenty some odd young adult who believes he sees things from a unique perspective. Here be my poetry & prose, short stories, favored school papers, rantings, and "blogs." Comment, critique, and profit.

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